


It Came Upon A Midnight Queer

by Nary



Category: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Genre: Angels, Babies, Canon-Typical Offensiveness, Character of Color, Cheesy, Christmas, Curses, Demons, Gender Issues, Genderswap, I'm very sorry, Kissing, Mpreg, Other, Religion, Science Experiments, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexism, Transphobia, Unrequited Love, Very Special Episode, Yuletide, Yuletide 2008, missing episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-14 07:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/pseuds/Nary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a heart is broken, there's no doctor who can cure it. Sometimes, black magic and experimental surgery are your only workable options.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Came Upon A Midnight Queer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Maestro](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Maestro).



_Garth Marenghi reads from his hit thriller "O Little Town of Deathlehem": "Mary crawled across the floor, which was strewn with rushes and sheep droppings, leaving a trail of blood as she went. Her gut was churning with fear and the agony of labour. 'This wasn't in the deal!' she cried out to the unhearing heavens. Her only answer was the moo of a cow, and the horrible thing inside her burrowing, pushing, tearing its way toward freedom."_

_Welcome, friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, actor, and amateur of theology. When I wrote, directed, and starred in my televisual magnum opus, 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace', I had planned for the show to have a much longer run than it actually did. In the event, we only got six episodes made before the so-called powers that be pulled the plug. However, tonight I present to you tonight a very special live reading of an unfilmed script - what would have been our very first hour-long Christmas special. With me are Todd Rivers, the talented actor who portrayed Dr. Lucien Sanchez, and, as ever, my publisher Dean Learner, who played Thornton. Of course, we all wish Madeleine Wool, our Liz, could be here tonight. Maddy, if by any chance you're watching this and not dead, please, come back, or at least drop me a line or something, 'k?_

_And now, deck your halls and jingle your bells - 'tis the season to be... terrified._

* * *

"IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT QUEER"  
by Garth Marenghi

  
THORNTON (V.O.):  
Last time, on Darkplace...  


RECAP OF LAST EPISODE - MONTAGE  
  
\- Broccoli lady looking sultry.  
  
\- Sanchez and the broccoli lady falling into bed together.  
  
\- Dagless saying "Linda's dying, she's turning into broccoli... we're gonna have to lop it off, otherwise it'll spread."  
  
\- Sanchez in hospital gown looking mournful in the corridor.  
  
END MONTAGE  
  
FADE IN:  
  
EXT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - DAY  
A sinister snow swirls around the hospital grounds. THUNDER rumbles in the distance.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): When a heart is broken, there's no doctor who can cure it. (pause) Sometimes, black magic and experimental surgery are your only workable options.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR - DAY  
  
LUCIEN SANCHEZ and RICK DAGLESS are arguing. In this scene and throughout, the hospital is decked out with Christmas decorations, mistletoe, garlands, etc.  
  
SANCHEZ: I won't do it, Dag! It's unnatural.

DAGLESS: (grabbing him by the lapels of his lab coat)

Our jobs are unnatural! We fight against nature every day we put on these white coats, and most of the time, we kick nature's ass!

SANCHEZ: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters now that... she's gone.

DAGLESS: (backhanding him across the face) Snap out of it, man! She's not worth throwing your life away over. I mean, if she'd lived, you'd probably have dumped her for some other piece of skirt in a fortnight.

SANCHEZ: (looking down, ashamed of himself) I know, you're right. It's just this damn surgery that's getting to me.

DAGLESS: You can't go on living a lie, Sanchez! You can't keep pretending that everything's just peachy, 'cause it's not. I can see how miserable you are. It's eating away at you, the way that space broccoli ate away at your meat and two veg.

SANCHEZ: (on the verge of tears) Damn it, man, don't you think I know that?!

DAGLESS: (stern and merciless) You've got to do it. Doing the right thing is hard sometimes, and this is one of the hardest things I've ever faced, so it must be one of the rightest too.

SANCHEZ: (enthusiastic) Yes. Yes, all right. Let's go for it!  
  
They walk off, arms slung companionably over each others' shoulders.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - THORNTON'S OFFICE - DAY  
  
THORNTON REED stands, leaning on his desk. DAGLESS stands on the other side.  
  
DAGLESS: I read all about it in Experimental Surgery Weekly. It's risky, but I know I can pull it off.

THORNTON: Absolutely not! (slaming desk with fist) I won't have you bucking the rules, Dagless, not this time! Sanchez is our second-best doctor, we can't risk his life with an untried procedure!

DAGLESS: It's the only way he'll ever be whole again. I... I didn't tell him, but removing the alien fungus and his John Thomas was only a temporary solution. He's going to keep getting worse unless we do something!

THORNTON: You think you can play God, Dag? You try flooding the entire world for forty days or getting some virgins knocked up - not in the usual way, I mean - and then come talk to me about your "experimental surgery".

DAGLESS: (turning to storm off in a huff) Well maybe I will! 

THORNTON: You doctors, always trying to meddle in God's domain. Well God's just put up a big "No Trespassing" sign. And bought a Rottweiler! (crushes a cup dramatically)

Dagless scowls and exits the room, leaving Thornton shaking his head.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR - DAY  
  
DAGLESS accosts LIZ ASHER as she walks down the corridor, whistling a cheerful tune and pushing a bassinet with a baby in it.  


DAGLESS: Liz, do us a favour and go break some bad news to Sanchez. His wedding tackle operation's on hold, and he's going to rot from the inside out.

LIZ: Of course, Rick. I'll just drop this baby off at the nursery on the way. (tickling the baby's chin) Isn't he a sweetheart? Cootchy-coo!

DAGLESS (V.O.): Women. You put a baby in front of them, and they lose whatever brains they might have had.

They walk off down the corridor, Liz still making cooing noises at the infant. She wheels its bassinet into a side room and continues on her way.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: I have kids. Maybe that's why so many of my most brilliant ideas centre around awful things happening to them._

__

_Dean Learner: I don't have any children. Ah, that I know of, heh. But I can certainly sympathize with the parental instinct - I've raised goldfinches for years._  


* * *

  


EXT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - NIGHT  
  
Snow falls lightly but ominously. (Note: get Stig to write some appropriately evil but festive music, possibly involving sleigh bells.)  


DAGLESS (V.O.): I was ready to buck the system - yet again - in order to help Sanchez, but Thornton had tied my hands. Not literally, of course. But he had taken away my scalpel and the key to the operating room. Sanchez's condition was getting worse, and I was getting desperate.  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY  
  
DAGLESS enters the festively decorated room and sits on the edge of SANCHEZ's bed.  
  
DAGLESS: How are you feeling today, old buddy?

SANCHEZ: (weakly) Not too good, Dag.

DAGLESS: We can dial up the morphine a few more notches if the pain's getting to you.

SANCHEZ: No, it's not that. The pain is bad, I won't lie to you, but that's not what's bothering me.

DAGLESS: Then what?

SANCHEZ: I just feel so... so alone.  
  
He stretches out one hand to Dagless, who clasps it manfully.  
  
DAGLESS: You're not alone, Sanch. I'm here for you.

SANCHEZ: Give it to me straight, Dag. Don't spare my feelings. Will I ever be a... real man again?

DAGLESS: (long pause) No.  
  
Sanchez bursts into tears. Dagless attempts to comfort him, patting his shoulder firmly but gently.  
  
SANCHEZ: I already suspected. (sniffles) Things don't feel quite right... (sotto voce) down there.  
  
He begins to lift up his sheet, but Dagless stops him.  
  
DAGLESS: Don't look. It'll just make you feel worse. It's like a knacker's yard. 

SANCHEZ: You can't blame yourself, Dag. You did everything you could.

DAGLESS: Not... everything. Not yet.  


He stands and begins to walk out of the room, but stops in the doorway and turns back.  
  
DAGLESS: Trust me, Sanch. I'm going to make this right, no matter what! You'll be your old self by Christmas, or my name's not Doctor Rick Dagless, M.D.!  


He strides off purposefully, while Sanchez dabs his eyes with a lacy hanky.  
  


* * *

_Todd Rivers: That was a great scene. It's such a rotten shame we never got to film it, I would have been brilliant._

__

_Garth Marenghi: Todd and I had this... chemistry together, like some of the great partnerships of the stage and screen. He was like Bacall to my Bogie. Except for the part about being married, of course. That would just be weird._

* * *

  
INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - BASEMENT - NIGHT

DAGLESS is frantically shoving things about - old furniture, filing cabinets, etc. Finally he grabs the edge of the carpet and pulls it back with a dramatic flourish. When the dust settles, a huge occult circle is revealed on the concrete floor beneath.

DAGLESS (V.O.):  
It had been years since I'd dabbled in the dark arts. I'd sworn never to travel down that path again. But I was willing to risk my life, nay, even my very soul itself, for the sake of Sanch's manhood.

Dagless stands at the centre of the pentagram, arms raised in invocation, and begins to chant.  


DAGLESS: (chanting dramatically) Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua!  


As he extends his hands, we see that both of them are etched with bloody pentagrams.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): The power surging through me was throbbing, incandescent. After all, I was standing above the very gates of Hell itself, there was bound to be a bit of paranormal jeans-creaming.  


A rush of energy visibly courses through Dagless, throwing his head back with a scream and spewing out to encompass the entire circle, then coalescing into a massive column of light that shoots straight up through the ceiling. When it abruptly vanishes, Dagless collapses.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: I originally wanted to use 'Holy Diver', by the great Ronnie James Dio, but we couldn't afford the rights. Blew our budget on the FogMaster 5000. (hums quietly, strumming his air guitar, then rocks out) "Holy Diver...You've been gone too long in the midnight sea... Oh, what's becoming of me..." Well, I think in the end my performance would have carried it off, either way._

* * *

  
INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - BASEMENT - LATER

LIZ enters the room, holding a huge spanner, and sees DAGLESS lying motionless on the floor.  


LIZ: (screaming) Rick!  


She runs over to him, cradling his head in her lap and crying. Gradually, Dagless begins to stir and tries to sit up.  
DAGLESS: Could you stop screeching, Liz, my head's already splitting.

LIZ: Sorry, Rick.  


She tries to help him up, but he brushes her hands away, dusting himself off.  


DAGLESS: How long was I out for?

LIZ: About two hours. All of the lights in the hospital suddenly exploded, and Thornton sent me down to check on the emergency back-up generators. Everything seems to be back to normal now.  
  
Liz and Dagless begin walking back to the elevator.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): But everything wasn't back to normal - not by a long shot.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR - DAY  
  
LIZ and DAGLESS stand outside SANCHEZ's room. Liz suddenly has a vision, clutching her head with both hands while eerie music plays and the camera zooms in and out dramatically. She then grasps Dagless's arm.  


LIZ: It was you, wasn't it?! You were doing some sort of... of black magic, to try and heal Doctor Sanchez!

DAGLESS: (with great dignity) Well somebody had to.  
  
He opens the door and strides into the room.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - SANCHEZ'S ROOM - DAY  
  
Focus on DAGLESS's face as he enters, then gasps with sudden shock and horror. Pan over to the foot of SANCHEZ's bed, then slowly upwards until reaching Sanchez's face, which is surrounded by long, luxuriant hair and otherwise tarted up.  
  
SANCHEZ: (sitting up, clutching his blanket to his chest) What?  
  
He lets the blanket drop, revealing a magnificent pair of D-cups beneath his hospital gown.  


Liz enters the room, sees Sanchez, and promptly faints.  
  


* * *

_Todd Rivers: We'd talked about the plans for the Christmas special, so I knew what was coming. And I have to say, I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but Garth took me aside and told me what a challenge this role was, that he'd written it especially for me, and, well, I couldn't say no to those puppy-dog eyes. The make-up would have been a bitch, though. Worse than the ape suit, in a way, because people watching would still be able to tell it was me._

* * *

  
INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - THORNTON'S OFFICE - DAY

THORNTON is in a towering rage, storming about the room, while DAGLESS stands stoic and motionless, like the eye of that storm.

THORNTON:  
What were you thinking?! I made it perfectly clear to you last time that there was to be no more dabbling in the dark arts on hospital property! I'll bet you were still on the clock, weren't you?! (slams fist on desk) If you think you're going to get paid for this cock-up, you've got another thing coming!

DAGLESS: I had to try, Thornton. It's Sanchez. 

THORNTON: Not anymore it's not! You've turned him into some kind of freak! A she-male. A tranny, an invert, a...

DAGLESS: (interrupting) A woman.

THORNTON: (horrified) Oh God, it's even worse than I imagined!

DAGLESS: It was my only choice. I couldn't leave him the way he was, trapped between the sexes and miserable! At least this way, she might have a chance at some tiny shred of happiness, before she hits forty and goes all saggy.  


Thornton sits down at his desk, apparently resigned to this terrible fate.  
  
THORNTON: We'll have to hire another doctor, of course. Wonton is going to have my nuts for garters, I can tell you.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - SANCHEZ'S ROOM - DAY  
  
SANCHEZ is preening herself in the mirror when DAGLESS knocks on the already-open door.  


DAGLESS: Knock, knock.

SANCHEZ: (smiling broadly and, perhaps, flirtatiously) Oh, Rick! Come in, won't you?  
  
Dagless steps into the room, obviously uncertain how to behave around his former friend.  
  
DAGLESS: How are you feeling?

SANCHEZ: Marvelous! Maybe better than before! It's like you promised, old buddy - I'll be back to normal by Christmas.  
  
Sanchez leans over to apply her lipstick, inadvertently exposing considerable cleavage as she does so.  
  
DAGLESS: ...Right. Look, uh...

SANCHEZ: Lucy. 

DAGLESS: Lucy, right. You're not my buddy.  
  
Sanchez turns to face him, her raven locks cascading around her face, looking surprised and hurt.  


SANCHEZ: I'm still the same person I was before, Rick. Nothing has to change.

DAGLESS: I wish that was true, San - Lucy. But before, things were easy between us. There was never any doubt which team we were playing for. But now, there would always be that little seed of uncertainty, wouldn't there.

SANCHEZ: (angrily) So what if there was? I think you're afraid, Dag! The great Doctor Rick Dagless, M.D., afraid of little old me!

DAGLESS: (looking away) That's ridiculous...

SANCHEZ: Then look me in the eye and tell me why we can't be buddies anymore!  
  
Dagless hesitates, but finally meets her gaze.  
  
DAGLESS: Because you're too beautiful, Lucy. Because I can't let myself fall that way - not again.  
  
They stare into one another's eyes for a long, lingering moment. Dagless glances up, sees mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and then sweeps Sanchez into his arms for a passionate kiss.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: Of course, the kiss was controversial. Even though Sanchez was technically supposed to be a woman at the time, he was still being played by Todd, so, in a sense, it would have been the first same-sex kiss on British television. But our pioneering gesture in support of our, ah, homosexual friends was never to be, alas. Shut down by the closed-minded executive pigs._

_Todd Rivers: I would have used a body double, of course, if we'd ever actually got around to filming the kiss._

* * *

INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR - DAY  
  
LIZ is passing by. She sees the couple kissing, and runs away, tears spilling from her eyes.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - SANCHEZ'S ROOM - DAY  
  
DAGLESS breaks the embrace with SANCHEZ and steps back, breathless.  
  
DAGLESS: I'm sorry, Lucy, but we can never be together. I care about you too much to put you in that sort of danger.

SANCHEZ: Danger? I don't know what you mean.

DAGLESS: Everyone I've ever loved has wound up dead - there, I've said it. That's why I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism - to keep from hurting any more innocents. I took an oath to help people, and that includes not loving them.

SANCHEZ: (clinging to him) But why?

DAGLESS: (with a far-off look in his eyes) It all began when I was just a kid...  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
INT. - ANCIENT DRUID TEMPLE - NIGHT  
  
YOUNG DAGLESS, with long hair and sixties-style clothing, is exploring the temple, rummaging through ancient artifacts, tossing aside assorted human bones in his search.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): I stumbled upon an ancient druid temple, just outside Dagenham. Little did I know that I was about to unleash a terrible evil - an evil I would spend the rest of my life trying to vanquish.  


Young Dagless picks up an item, dusts it off, and holds it up to the light that streams dramatically from above. It is a Christmas cracker.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): I knew I shouldn't, but an outside force compelled me to pull it.  
  
Young Dagless takes a deep breath and tugs on both ends of the cracker. It makes the usual popping noise, and then a cloud of mist emerges from it, enveloping him. We hear mystical chanting and the screams of the damned. Young Dagless recoils in terror.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): From that day onwards, my life was tainted by the forces of darkness, a taint that stretched out to encompass everyone I loved, poisoning everything I touched. The damn thing didn't even have a novelty in it, those cheap druid bastards.  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - SANCHEZ'S ROOM - DAY  
  
DAGLESS: (still gazing heroically into the distance) ...And that's why we can never be together. My destiny is forever to walk the dark places of this earth alone. 

SANCHEZ: (clinging to him) I don't care, Rick! 

DAGLESS: (pulling away from her grasp) Sorry, sweetheart. We'll always have Romford.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: The druid curse is, naturally, a metaphor for alcoholism. A real-life horror that touches too many lives. Not mine, but friends of mine, for instance._

_Todd Rivers: I've struggled for years with my own curses. Addictions. With his masterful pen, Garth put into words what I'd never been able to express. He gave the best lines to himself, as usual, but I found them moving nevertheless._

* * *

  
Dagless begins to walk away. Sanchez runs into the corridor after him. THORNTON is just rounding the corner, and sees Sanchez in her state of despair and filmy gown. A surge of romantic strings as we zoom in on Thornton's face - he has been struck by Cupid's dart. He approaches Sanchez and wraps a comforting arm around her.

THORNTON:  
There there, dearie, it'll be all right. Thornton's here now.

Sanchez buries her face in Thornton's shoulder, sobbing. Dagless has nearly reached the end of the corridor when he hesitates and, against his better judgement, turns to look back. He sees Thornton embracing Sanchez and a flash of rage crosses his face.

With a roar, he barrels down the hallway in slow-motion to attack Thornton. Sanchez shrieks and throws herself between them, only to be shoved aside, where she cowers against the wall as the men duke it out.

Thornton throws a glass ornament at Dagless, who ducks just in time. It shatters as it hits the wall. Dagless snatches a garland off the wall and attempts to strangle Thornton with it, while Thornton tries to stab him with a plastic icicle. Dagless stuffs holly into Thornton's mouth in retaliation.

Finally, Dagless pounds Thornton's head against the festively-decorated water fountain.

THORNTON:  
Enough! Enough! I give up!

DAGLESS: (with a look of horror) Oh God, what have I done?  
  
Dagless turns and runs off, leaving Sanchez weeping and Thornton beaten to a pulp.  
  
THORNTON: (picking himself up) What the hell was that all about?

SANCHEZ: Love. 

THORNTON: (plucking mistletoe out of his hair) Well he'd better get over it, I can't have my doctors acting like lust-crazed thugs! 

SANCHEZ: (laying a hand on her stomach, which we now notice is visibly rounded) Yes, and this baby is going to need a father.  
  
LIZ enters the scene.  
  
LIZ: You hussy! You're trying to steal Doctor Dagless away from me!  


SANCHEZ: He was mine first! (assuming a martial arts pose)  
  
The two women begin fighting. It's rather pathetic, though - neither can land a good punch, so mostly they roll around on the floor and rip each other's clothes off. Thornton watches appreciatively.  
  
THORNTON: (his heart not really in it) Ladies, ladies, calm down now.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: Two back-to-back fight scenes - it would have been epic. Dean and I had even gotten as far as blocking out some of our moves, practicing in the evenings after the rest of the crew had gone home..._

_Dean Learner: I greatly enjoyed the chance to pit myself against Garth, even in faux-combat. He's a master of the martial arts, after all, and he taught me a great deal. About life, and... about myself._

* * *

  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - PADRE'S OFFICE - DAY  
  
The PADRE is dusting his shelves when a breathless and distraught Dagless barges into his office.  


PADRE: Goodness, what's the matter, my son?

DAGLESS: It's all happening again, Padre. And I think Sanchez might be enceinte - that means pregnant.

PADRE: Then come, let's pray together.  


They kneel together, bow their heads, and pray silently for a moment.  
  
PADRE: Now, spill the beans. How did Sanchez get in the family way? After all, she is a virgin. ...Isn't she?

DAGLESS: Of course! I can only assume it's some side-effect of the sinister forces I conjured up to turn him into a woman.

PADRE: (nodding knowingly) Yes, I've heard of that happening. The child is probably a fiend in human form - it will develop supernaturally quickly and when it emerges, it will very likely destroy everything it touches. 

DAGLESS: Bugger.

PADRE: You need to get rid of it before it can get a chance to wreak its evil. Maybe a judicious application of coat hanger would do the trick... (he makes a 'poky-poky' motion with his hand)

DAGLESS: No! I could never do such a thing. What if you're wrong, and it's not evil?

PADRE: Are you really willing to gamble everything on that chance? After all, I talk to God.

DAGLESS: Well maybe you're not hearing him right! Doesn't he teach that all life is sacred, even potentially-evil life?

PADRE: Not really, no.

DAGLESS: I can't accept that! Sanchez is going to have this baby, no matter what you and your God think!

PADRE: (shrugging) All right, have it your way. But don't say I didn't warn you. Now, about this druid curse. You've got to find a way of breaking it, Dag. I can sprinkle you with as much holy water as you want, but it's just going to keep coming back. You've got to face your demons.

DAGLESS: (getting up) You're right, Padre. I'm going to kick some druid ass!  


He storms out of the room, leaving the Padre shaking his head and smiling benignly.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: You can't make a statement about abortion just straight-out. You've got to be sensitive and try to understand where the other side's coming from. At least, that's what I was trying to say here. But I think that went over some people's heads._

* * *

  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CAFETERIA - DAY  
  
DAGLESS charges into the festively-decorated cafeteria, where various extras are eating. He jumps onto a table and reaches up to snatch something from the ceiling. We see as he pulls it down that it is a piece of MISTLETOE. He crushes it in his fist, then throws it to the ground and stamps on it as the onlookers watch with mild bemusement.  
  
DAGLESS: (under his breath) Take that, you godless bastards.  
  
Dagless then proceeds to rampage through the hospital, pulling down and destroying every piece of mistletoe he can find.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): The druids used mistletoe in their heathen rituals. Clearly its presence in the hospital had allowed the curse to take the upper hand in my mind. When I'd torn it all down and thrown it in the incinerator, my head felt clear again.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - SANCHEZ'S ROOM - NIGHT  
  
DAGLESS ends his campaign of mistletoe eradication by barging into SANCHEZ's room and tearing down the piece that hangs on the ceiling there, stamping it vigorously underfoot.  
  
SANCHEZ: (now heavily pregnant, jumping out of bed and clinging to his arm) Rick, what are you doing? 

DAGLESS: Something I should have done a long time ago - clearing the air. Facing my demons. 

SANCHEZ: Don't, please, I... love...  


She shakes her head, confused. Both of them look at each other for a long moment, then tear their gazes away.  
  
SANCHEZ: What the hell came over us?

DAGLESS: An ancient curse, making us all crazy. Don't worry, it'll never happen again, probably. And when we get this cute little parasite out of you and you're all straightened out, we'll be back to being buddies, just like before.  
  
They both laugh heartily at the ridiculous idea that they could ever love one another in anything more than a manly, platonic fashion.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: I Google myself regularly, like any self-respecting artist. And since the show's been re-airing, I've found these sites that go on about the sexual tension between the, ah, the male characters. Some of them even write stories about it, 'slash' and 'mpreg' and whatever other sick, twisted ideas you can come up with. Well, there you go, kids! Just remember, I did it first. I invented that!_

* * *

  
EXT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Sinister snow. Sinister sleigh-bells.

DAGLESS (V.O.):  
The pregnancy proceeded at a supernaturally-swift pace. By Christmas Eve, Sanchez was ready to pop.

INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - OPERATING THEATRE - NIGHT

DAGLESS, THORNTON, and LIZ stand around the table where SANCHEZ lies, her belly grotesquely swollen. Thornton is holding his shotgun, while the other two are prepped for surgery.

DAGLESS:  
We've got to get it out now, before she explodes.

LIZ: Yes, and look at those stretch marks. She'll never be able to wear a bikini again.

DAGLESS: Hold on, Lucy, we're going to deliver your baby now.

THORNTON: (holding his gun at the ready) And if it tries anything, I'll blow its goddamn head off.  


DELIVERY SEQUENCE MONTAGE  
  
\- Dagless picking up the scalpel.  
  
\- Liz handing him another scalpel.  
  
\- Thornton looking on suspiciously.  
  
\- Dagless wiping his brow with the back of his hand.  
  
\- Liz offering Dagless a sip of water.  
  
\- Sanchez grimacing in pain.  
  
\- Dagless holding up the baby triumphantly. It has cute little demon horns.  
  
END MONTAGE  


THORNTON: Well? 

LIZ: (retrieving a piece of paper that has just emerged from the printer) According to my test results, Doctor Dagless is the baby's father!  
  
She holds up the paper, which reads "DAGLESS IS THE FATHER". They all look at Dagless with surprise.  


DAGLESS: Well, you did tell me to perform a miracle, Thornton!  


Everyone laughs at that.  


SANCHEZ: What about the baby, though? Is it... evil?

DAGLESS: We can't be sure yet. Those tests take longer to run.

LIZ: It's so cute, though. How could anything so adorable possibly be evil?

THORNTON: Those horns don't seem like a good sign, for starters.  
  
Thornton takes aim with his gun at the bassinet, but Dagless heroically throws himself between the two.  
  
DAGLESS: I won't let you! Sure, it might be evil. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's just...misunderstood. Like its old man. (turning to the baby, fondly) Isn't that right, little guy?  
  
BABY: (in a booming voice) Yes. Thank you, Doctor Dagless. Because of your trust and kindness, my soul has been redeemed.  
  
To the swelling sounds of an angelic chorus, the baby ascends, glowing, and finally disappears from sight. There is a long moment of awed silence.  
  
DAGLESS: (to Sanchez) Well, there you go then. (to Thornton) So, can I do that experimental surgery now?

THORNTON: Oh, fine! You've earned the right to play God, just this once.  
  
Thornton leaves through the swinging doors of the operating theatre.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: The religious themes were too strong, too controversial perhaps, for some of the initial readers - the cowards. I say, if you can't talk about virgin births and demon babies at Christmas, when can you?_

* * *

  
LIZ:  
Rick, do you have any idea how risky this is? If you can pull it off, you'll be written up in all the medical magazines.

DAGLESS: (laughing confidently) Oh, they must be tired of having my picture as their centrefold.

LIZ: But it's never been done successfully before! 

DAGLESS: Just because something's failed disastrously every time it's been attempted doesn't mean we shouldn't try, Liz.

LIZ: (adoringly) If anyone can do it, you can, Rick.

DAGLESS: (looking into the middle distance with a heroic posture) I know.  
  
He pulls up his mask and walks over to the operating table, where Sanchez still lies.  
  
SANCHEZ: (reaches up to bump fists with DAGLESS in a manly fashion) Best of luck, Dag.

DAGLESS: You too, good buddy. Don't worry. I'll have you back to your old self in no time.  
  
Dagless turns some dials on the complicated-looking machines beside the operating table. Sanchez looks woozy, then his head slumps to one side.  
  
DAGLESS: Liz, hand me the surgical soldering iron.  
  
Liz hands him a lit blowtorch.  
  


INT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR - DAY  
  
DAGLESS emerges from the swinging doors. His scrubs are covered in blood and he looks exhausted but triumphant. LIZ follows close behind him.  
  
DAGLESS: (pulling off his blood-drenched gloves and tossing them aside) The operation was a complete success! He'll be back to normal in a few days.  
  
LIZ: God, I hope so! He's been so moody lately. Even worse than me!  
  
They both laugh heartily.  
  
DAGLESS: But seriously, he'll thank me when he's conscious again. I sure pulled his old Yule Log out of the fire this time. Added a couple inches too. You know, for the ladies.  
  
They walk off, laughing together.  
  


* * *

_Garth Marenghi: Some critics said, ah, at the time, that the character of Rick Dagless was too good, too perfect. To those simple-minded fools, I say - in troubled times like these, we need our heroes larger-than-life. People don't watch TV to see their heroes fuck up._

* * *

  
EXT. DARKPLACE HOSPITAL - ROOF - NIGHT

DAGLESS stands with SANCHEZ (obviously male once more) at his side.

SANCHEZ:  
I can't ever thank you enough, Dag.

DAGLESS: I know, Sanch. 

SANCHEZ: Do you think...our boy's up there somewhere?

DAGLESS: I'm sure he is. Watching down over us. One more little warrior on the side of the good guys.

SANCHEZ: (laying a hand on Dagless's shoulder) Then it was all worth it, old buddy. The stretch marks... everything.  
  
They do their trademark handshake, then Sanchez turns and walks away, leaving Dagless alone, gazing thoughtfully up at the stars.  
  
DAGLESS (V.O.): But was it all worth it? Sure, I'd healed my best friend, lifted a druid curse, and helped a fallen angel ascend back to Heaven. But my hand really hurt where I'd punched Thornton. And also I'd allowed that old black magic to take hold of me once again - something I'd sworn never to do. I couldn't help but think it would cost me - and Darkplace - somehow, in ways I could only begin to suspect. Stuff like that always seems to bite me in the ass.  
  
FADE OUT 

THE END

  


* * *

_Todd Rivers: Garth's genius was in capturing the fear that every parent feels. I imagine. The fear of, "is my child going to grow up to be an angel, or a demon?" He literalized that fear, and it makes for a truly chilling, yet at the same time, heartwarming story._

_Dean Learner: We wouldn't have had the budget for the baby, of course. We'd a Cabbage Patch Kid I nicked from some brat, and we'd just have kept it wrapped up so you couldn't see it properly. Real kids are shit to work with anyway, they just cry all the time._

_Garth Marenghi: As it would have been an hour-long episode, I took the time to delve into Dagless's backstory a bit more, try to really get to grips with the characters and their motivations, not just set up some horror-of-the-week crap. (pause) Of course, if the producers had told us we could only have thirty minutes, I'd have cut all that in a snap and just gone with the demon baby._

* * *


End file.
